the choice to trust.

my heart hurts. 

so much.

this has been a very empty season in my walk with Christ.

my soul faints for Your salvation, but I hope in Your word.

my eyes fail from searching Your word, saying, "when will You comfort me?" (psalm 119:81&82)

this is a first for me. in my few years on earth, i have never experienced such a lack of unity with my Lord. whenever i have sought, He has always been there. i know He is still there, i just can't feel Him.

why is this?

i have been pestering everyone i know for knowledge on this miserable limbo i have been experiencing. during this desperate search for an answer, my dear friends and i have come to a multi-faceted conclusion: 

our sin separates us from God and can only be washed away by the blood of Jesus Christ, which has already happend in my life (yay!) even though we know we as christians are forgiven, sometimes sin can get in the way of our relationship with christ. however, i know this is not what's going on in this particular desert i am walking through. i have given every part of me to him willingly and don't know what else to do. the next part of our answer is simply that God may draw his heavy hand of spiritual feelings away for a period simply to make us long after him. i just never knew how awful it would feel. (don't get me wrong, He says He will never leave or forsake us and that is TRUE.)

so, my answer is this.

but they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint. (isaiah 40:31)

what am i supposed to be waiting for? 

waiting is not passive. that's the part that gives me hope.

and no matter what, even if this desert is weeks, or months, or even years, long, i KNOW He is right beside me and there for the taking because His word tells me so. so i will make the choice to trust in 

Him even though i don't feel a darn thing. 

i have a feeling i am going to see major workings of Christ in my life during this wretched time, and i am excited.

and they that know Thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee. (psalm 9:10)

life is not a question of whether or not we can trust our creator. aren't you so thankful for that? if no, contact me and will chat some more. i don't know everything, i know that He is faithful to those who love Him. 

we must choose to trust when our heart wants to give up. make the choice, and he will change your heart.

now that, i know.

i know that i know that i know.

thank you, Jesus.