a girl who wants it all.

use me, waste me, break me on YOU LORD.  

ruin me,  break me,  waste me on YOU.

to starve is to feast and less of me is more of JESUS

LORD, i want it all

LORD, i want it all

if i lose my life, i gain everything

at the cross away with all deaths stain

LORD, i want it all

LORD, i want it all.

(I Want it All by Shane and Shane)

i chaperoned for our church's youth retreat this past weekend and was fortunate enough to have GOD work in my own heart.  i almost felt guilty at first-like i was taking away the plans the LORD had in store for me to help the teens.  but, i was reminded the timing of the HOLY SPIRIT isn't something to take lightly.  to be quite honest, HE did more than let me have some emotional experience-he revealed something major, something that has been hidden so deep in my heart i didn't even know it was there.  

now believe me, i've looked.  i've begged for JESUS to show me where i'm not trusting him or not obeying him.  i am more than willing to give up everything in order to take up my cross and follow him.  but i have had no clue what was hindering my relationship with him, and it has been going on for almost a year.

i still can't look back and say, "ah, alright, i was stupid, i see where i messed up."  that's what made giving it all to HIM so difficult.  what was i holding on to?

after several hours of dissecting the issue with my youth pastor and another close friend, i was informed i have been simply missing out on HIS grace because i want to please him so much.

what the heck?

no, i wasn't living a works based faith.  i am definitely saved.  and know my works are like filthy rags in his sight.  this dry spell in my relationship with CHRIST rather new development.  i know what HIS grace feels like. i have been born again, and it's indescribable.  

i analyze.  a lot.  i want to know everything.  i want to be right.  i don't want to be like job and question GOD, and i don't want to be in love with the LORD like david but go out and kill someone.  i want to be in relationship with him and be righteous at the same time.  not a bad thing, but satan has twisted this concept for me.

i have been refusing to accept GOD's grace simply because i have not felt his love for me.  i over-analyze by talking it out with him, saying "GOD, i know you love me because of how blessed i am by having such amazing people in my life.  i know i am blessed, and i know i am loved."   

and then the conversation stops.  and all i want so desperately is for it to continue.

i am so afraid of expressing any kind of unhappiness or discontent to the LORD for fear of having someone i love be removed from my life.  maybe the rejection i have felt so harshly in the past 2 years of my life has something to do with it (2 men in 2 years proclaiming their love and plans to marry me and then changing their minds quite suddenly out of fear of providing or just simply not loving me enough.)  i have fully trusted the LORD through all of this, knowing HIS ways are not my ways and all will be more than well.  but the rejection of men has caused me so much grief i have lost the simple, joyous feeling of GOD's love and grace for me.  i know it's there, i just haven't been able to feel it.  and i have been too scared to be honest with GOD.  i don't want to be wrong .  i don't want to be ungrateful.  i don't want to be one of those new-age christians who just talk about their spiritual experience crap.  i just want to be content, faithful, patient, and to feel HIS love again! 

i want it all.  who knew it was something so simple this whole time?  well, i did, but then i started analyzing....

JESUS, help us to be righteous through the strength of YOUR HOLY SPIRIT, and pour down your love on us.